it has been a while since i wrote my last blog. Have been busy attending job interviews and freelancings. But certainly in my dissapearance, i have been through a lot of situations that led me to write this piece.
I have only attended three job interviews, one of which was successful, one of which I failed, and one of which i 'PURPOSEFULLY' failed. Being single and jobless at the moment, I have to admit that the regular advice I received whenever i about to meet someone new or attend a job interview is - BE YOURSELF.
"be yourself," - says Mom,
"be yourself" - says a neighbour.
"be relax. show what you've got. dont be nervous. be yourself". - says a friend.
"or you are great. they/he will love you, just be yourself". - says a good friend.
Here are nicer versions,
"kikie, you are bubbly, cheerful, sweet and smart. just be yourself". - says a friend who was keen to set me up.
"kikie. of course you are a little bit clumsy. but that what makes you adorable" - says an old friend.
And when i screwed up in a job interview, here were the remarks i got,
"well, its ok, everybody do silly stuff when they are nervous" - says a mentor.
"well,, if its meant to be its meant to be. you did your best" - says an acquaintance...
"if they/he cannot accept you the way you are, they the job/fate is not meant for you"
"failure is a gift"
and so they go.....
After months of receiving personality and phycological lectures from loved ones, a question popped in my mind.
WHAT IS BEING YOURSELF?
There is when i started observing people and how the term 'being yourself' is used.
From my perspective, BEING YOURSELF is a good advice. but it is often abused. Its often being used as an excuse for not improving ourselves.
For example, I have a friend who is very short-tempered. She is often seen scolding her guy. She would scold for everything, including when he is five minutes late...even when he is not properly dressed. they were childhood lovers (thus, i am not surprised he really could tolerate her)....however, a recent incident between them became the straw that broke the camel's back...and the guy finally called it quits. Despite the guy's diplomatic request for her to control her temper....she screamed the forbidden excuse...."if you cant accept me for WHO I AM, for MYSELF, then so be it, we are off!".
I wonder again...what does it mean BEING YOURSELF? If a person truly loves us, does it mean he must accept our nasty behaviours?
When i was manipulated by a friend, and faced the friend with assertion, and open communication, I was told by friends, "why you did not get angry? how could you possibly forgive?
why you give in so easily and let people walk over you?you sure not being yourself. I am sure you would have acted differently towards your family. you cant be this forgiving".
again..i query...am I a total FAKE and NOT BEING MYSELF?
Here are other instances....
"Sam, you are sure to match John. You are procrastinator. He is punctual. You are Fire. He is water. You are loud. He is quiet. you both are match made in heaven".
"Or I am sure may not fit that job. You know me. I am shy in public".
"I can't never work in the private sector. Because I hate performance indicators. You know me, i sometimes need to sneek out".
"He sure doesnt match me. We are both impatient type".
"you guys taking me to museum? c'mon...you know museum thingy is so not me".
"you are telling me a girl won't date me because i stink and wear sloppily? so what if i stink like a pig? if she is marries to me, she will soon realise i stink! so why would i pump in the perfumes and deodorants? just to display the FAKE version of myself. i dont kill myself to impress any girl. my family can sleep with me even when i stink. now that is what i call TRUE LOVE!!!"
So it goes...the more i hear those commandments of being yourself...the more i get confused!!!!
To be honest.... I get very nervous in job interviews...and whenever i am about to attend an interview, my hands will be sweaty...and it becomes more sweaty when my family keep preaching me before the interviews, "now dont you repeat the past mistakes...donts you exude that typical nervous vibes of yours. you have to learn from mistakes".
My reaction? i got defensive: "why are you guys so hard on me? have some compassion you guys. I cant believe you all are so mean towards mean. You are supposed to motivate me and have faith in me!!!!!!".... My defense however, didn't do me any good. i arrived the interview, sweaty, whispering to myself...."i can do this. i can do this. i can do this". but yet....i was nervous. And like the fate predicted it, i screwed up and was rejected.
At the moment i couldnt take the failure pain....i've got myself into a more severe defensive FALSE MECHANISM; " hey,,...stop punishing yourself. it was not meant to be. it was not your rezeki. if it was meant for you...for some MYSTERIOUS FORCE, you could have answered the interview questions without even trying".
or worse..denying my pain..... ;
"failure is beauty. beauty is failure. failure is a gift. you are so gifted. you are gonna be a great person. because you keep failing.....blablabla.......you must fail......blabla bla....... i love to fail....blablabla....dare to fail....thomas edison finds 1000 ways how not make a light bulb...blablabla.....(sorry dr.fazley)".
Then again i attended another job interview and the same process took place - starting from being pre-judged by closed ones, and ended up with me preaching up the 'beauty of failure' lecture to myself. Again, I failed to impress. How gifted i was to have failed so many times. How i wished my story would be victoriously retold in the Chicken soup of Failed Stories.
Then, I bumped into a Steven Chandler's book. While many people preached about being yourself and holding on to your personality, Chandler looks at different angle. To some extent, he maintains that:
1. You can be whoever you wanna be..(and becoming someone you are unlikely to be, doesnt mean you are fake) and
2. The personality concept is dillusioned.
So i took Chandler's advice and apply it in my next interview. Again the process starts with my loved ones scolding me..."now, dont you do that clumsy antics of yours again...blablabla". This time, instead of getting defensive, i just smiled and said."I wont". While waiting for my turn in interview, i keep telling myself. "I will answer every question accordingly. I am very articulate and relaxed person. I speak well. I know my work. I cant wait to share them". Well.....the rest is history. I got the job!
In short, I got the job for CHANGING my clumsy and nervous SELF. the self I was for years. I have created a new person. And i got the job by 'FAKING'. Happy I got the job. but hate the fact my family was right - i should rid that clumsy habit to get my way.
The amazing Susan Boyle of Britain Got Talent shows why you need to break the cocoon and become the person you always wanted to be. Even at 47! In her audition, she braved through audience's sceptical response....and proved they are wrong about her!
